Disappoinment........and more depression......feel so cursed!!!!

here i am again to vent out my feeling and everything.......sorry tt my blog is only abt sorrow........cos i use this as my ground to vent my feeling..........i doubt many would read it anyway.........maybe if real happiness find me.........then my blog will change........but i really doubt so.........really really doubt so. Well......i dun know who this anonomous person is but well i just read ur comment......thx for the encouragement.......i did confess to her......due to some reason..........cos she said i am helping her too much and she feel bad. TT is y i just tell her my feeling. But as expected........i know nothing good will happen.......she told me she still does not wanna commit.........due some reason.........her ex.........herself......everything.........well...........i sort of used to tt........but no matter wat.........the pain is still there...........the real happiness is not there anymore.........its just tt few weeks which i truely felt it............maybe tt is the most i can get..........shd i be happy or wat? i dun know...........cos now.........all i am doing is just continuing to help her..........since this course is super tough and everyone needs help.........i just hope i am the person behind her.......the person she will think of when she need help.........the one tt she will want to be with........haiz..........but she keep her distance..........her stand........everything...........arrrrrrrrrrr..............tell me not to wait........just be friends.........no point..........well...........i dun know..........shd i still continue.........or give up........continue.....just more sad...........giving up........find no purpose in life........y am i here........i still dun know the ans.........just being the one getting all the saddness so others will be happy?..........i read abt jesus............does he also do tt?.........if it is........i salute him........cos i dun think i can last anylonger............i am a human.........not someone great...........i really really.........confused........lost track of my direction........everything...........the only thing which is pushing me.........is the need to help her...........for wat purpose.........i dun know.......maybe there is no reason........maybe there is.........is it selfish to want sth back when u are helping someone?............i dun know am i seeking for sth...........is love a thing?............its a spiritual thing.......i dun know............totally confused..........and then..........is love just abt 2 ppl??? or abt all the ppl ard them too............like.......everyone is looking at you and the 2 ppl is so affected by the surrounding..........i dun..........i am just a simple person........i dun know........i dun really care abt rumours and anything..... is it bcos of this tt affecting her?......maybe i am silly........stupid..........all i know is tt i want to give everything to her..........i dun know if i am askign sth back..........cos i am sad now not bcos she rejected me.........but rejected my help........rejected my friendliness.........am i going overboard?...........shd i step back?..............y the more i want it to be simple........the more complicated it gets?????...........y? wat did i do?............can someone explain to me?............she keep saying abt how others think........how others tell her tt my help is wrong........is too much............y?........i dun know..........i did not help tt much.........not to the extend tt she is not learning............she is naturally good.........and i dare say she is better than me...........its not me...........others are so affected by me beside her tt they think she is good bcos of me............when i am the lousy one...........my design grade is not tt high lar............i am among the average in the cohort only!!!........... shd i disappear in this world...............is my existence really causing so much trouble?..............sometime i really wish the real cancer will find me who is a cancerian..............but since i found her............there is something in me which stops me from self destructing.............i really dun mind her telling me tt she dun really want to commit..........this is her freedom.........i can wait..........since i alr waited for so long.......as long as i am beside her helping her..........but..........she is pushing me further further away.............yet she needs tt help........y can ppl just take things naturally..........yes i like her so i am helping her......but tt is only a small reason....but i know my limit........she state clearly her stand and i stated clearly of my hope.............but isnt it normal?........we have our own thinking.........y must ppl judge from our action.........can friends be close?.........boy and gal cannot be together as friends meh?..........i know i desire more..........but i totally respect her mind and decision.........if she find the someone she desire for..........then i wish her all the best and my blessing.........the most is just being sad and depress for tt few days..........but y just this normal stage also so difficult?????????...........y must this world be so complicated...........must i turn evil then everyone will be normal........its like the world is testing my limit and wanting me to be the evil one by making this world super ugly to me..........i always believe the world is balance.......there must be bad guys.....bad ppl.........if not how u know good is good?..........but am i destined to be the evil one to bring glory for the good?...........there is also something inside me which is like forcing his way out of me to be super evil.............but i still want to believe the world is beautiful............the world is happy and full of hope.........yet...........this belief is diminishing..........its too painful for me............i am really really on the verge of breaking down............i dun know how much longer i can stand strong...............i am really really tired...................................