wonder and wonder..............frustrated in a way.........

ok..........long time nvr post.............one is tt i am caught up with the istana project.........stay in sch 3 whole weeks during sch holiday!!!!!!! hahahha but i think i just trying to forget my pain..........hey it works!!!........workaholic really helps to soothe pain.........esp those in the heart.........just keep making urself busy and u will just feel numb...........now i understand y ppl drown themselves in work...........hahahah...............i am doing tt myself!!!!!!...........oh if u are all wondering and want to take a look at some of the photos..........here is the link http://timefries.wordpress.com/

however.......just when i thought i can be back to my old self or rather..........no more emoing kind of life............another person entered my life.........haiz..........i shal keep it anonomous as usual............ok u might think i change my heart very fast........but working 24/7..........sleeping lesser than 2hrs a day really can make u feel numb......somemore i alr used to these ba..........i really thought i can forget abt BGR kind of things...........but............i failed..............i think i really want someone to be by my side...........y?...........ok i see if i can narrate out..........hahhaa............i just say wat i thinking.............dun understand nvm...........its not for everyone to understand anyway.........haha

dun know if the world is trying to make fun of me.............just when i managed to get over with wat happened last time.........then i joined this FOC.....basic purpose is to get more freshies to help in the istana....by then i really totally give up hope in BGR......i just doing all kind of crazy stuns to see if i can get myself away from this ugly world........wat i did??.......i climb ard buildings.....speeding.........all kind of things.........however nothing happen.......i am still alive and kicking......and then.....this FOC got this secret pal thingy............and i came across this person.........super sweet voice...........haixxxxxxxxx..............which alr fit my first criteria............my friend say she is ok looking only...........which i dun give a damn...........i nvr go for looks in the first place.........then i missed her for the SP dinner.......she didnt see me.........ok so i thought maybe we just have no fate.........might as well............since tt time i still half sorrow...........didnt expect much........dun even give a damn............then............bcos i need help for istana so i might as well get as much ppl as i can.............and she agreed to help..........ok i am really curious how she look........and yes she is pleasant looking...........which fit my number 2 criteria...........but then i was still trying to resist...............disheng they all tell me to try.........but i still dun really want to go for anything............so i just continued with istana thingy..............staying in sch alone.........and work alone with music.............which is kinda soothing............but its not only tt..............i was also on msn almost everynight toking to her.........i was just thinking tt..............since i am alr a person who is like abandon by everyone.............i got nothing to lose and just chat lor................can help me forget my sorrow also.................haha.............end up we can chat like free.............anything under the sun...............she bring me happiness.........make me work alone also feel very happy...............but i was really too busy to think much...............just chat and work......chat and work..........chat and work...............i was so happy there is someone i can chat like tt..............everytime i chat with anyone...........only for a while............and this communication smoothness fit my 3rd criteria............i believe that if 2 person are to be together..........they must be abt to communicate anything................ok then eveything goes super smoothly.............Istana was a success..........then sch start...........all through the time...........i am still chatting with her every night till late..............till either one of us can take it and rest...........i have nvr in my life been so happy be4..........have someone to tok anything under the sun............i thought tt if i have a friends tt is like tt.........i can be die hard buddy with him..........but this time its a gal..........i thought the world finally going to give me a chance...........to give me a gift..........the happiness i wanted.............until recently...................i was helping her in her study............and we are helpign each other.............we chatted abt out sch work.........our problems.............shocking.............when i told her abt my yr2 assignment........her ideas trigger tons of ideas in me.............and my ideas all got accepted.............i was like going crazy.........its like a dream come true............my most impt criteria is one who can help me in my career...............she fit almost everything..............like angel from heaven for me.............a true gift.............somemore she is those who is more homely and help her family.......very filial...........hardworking..............the only one who is willing to help me in my istana in the mist of sooooooooo many of her own personal things............i feel so bad to keep asking her to help in the istana.............but with her ard..............things just like brighten up and i work with a lighter heart............with strength and sprirt and everything.............i am like totally a diff person.............a finally cheerful person..............a person who can laugh from the bottom of his heart.............i have nvr feel so good.................i got my energy and motivation to do everything..................and this is even the first time i feel my life is worth sth............and stop doing all the crazy stuff and start to take care of myself.....................

yet..........yet ...........yet............all these does not last long............and i somehow see it coming.............cos i keep wondering........how could my life be so happy??????.............its like its goign to be a big hell waiting for me somewhere...........am i really going to die or sth...........hahhaa...........very drama hor...........whahhaha.............think i watch too much korean show le...............but then...............i thought...........even if i die now............i will die a happy man.............i dun mind..............but but butb utb ubtu but.....................its worse............i survived to see more ugly side of the world...................i dun knwo.............maybe i am too sensiive...........her friends keep psychoing her tt she is using me to help her in her grade or work.................making her feel bad..............like she is a bad person or sth............even her sis.........i really dun know...........its not her who asked for it!!!!!!!..................its me who wanna help her.............becos she is also helping me!!!!!!!!....................i needed her to give me more inspiration!!!!!!.............i dun know...........tis is the first time...........i feel needed and i can get helped too..................i feel tt i am not the one helping................but someone who needed help more desperately then anyone.............spiritually............my heart need someone to heal it............i am all the way self destruction mode..........staying over everyday to try to tire myself out..............testing my own limit............waiting one day i will faint and go away without any feeling....................i am the one who need help and seeking help from her...........i am using her instead!!!!!!!!! y is everyone just looking at the surface!!!!!!!!!!! r they jealous tt she is getting better grade????????? like my sis..........she got good grade and everyone say smart ppl are nerd......make her play and her grade drop like nobody business.............i dun want her to be like tt..................i see a great potential in her.......this time the yr1 are tougher than my yr......totally crazy........even i see the assignment also will go crazy........and yet her family still ask her to do so many thing.............i dun want her to quit...............everyone is stress.............i can see she is too.............so i go help her............then everyone start telling her she shd not be ASKING me for help and tt is like using me...............Y YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Y do ppl wanna do tt???............................just when i finally enjoying myself.........or rather both of us enjoy each other company so much.....................things have to turn out like this............................i dun know.........................i just feel so empty now.....................if this is wat the world is trying to test me again..........i think i have to surrender this time.............i alr have enough.............i spent 10+ yrs in sorrow and pain and emptiness..............if this is going to be another one..............i have enough...............CAN U HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!...............i will really go into self destruct mode....................and trust me.................i will do tt..........................the pain and sorrow is alr at the peak tt no physical pain can take over it.................i alr been doing tt last time............just tt i still have a glimpse of hope tt i might find one........just giving a little chance for myself.............if i find one be4 i die........i will really take care of myself and her.........if i die first then might as well...................alsooo.............i also believe tt the whole is balanced..........so if i am sad.............maybe there is a person who is happy somewhere...........maybe my destiny is to be sad so there will be more happy ppl............this i dun mind............tt is y i would rather be dead so there will be another living person...........since i got nothing to lose...........die die lor............big deal right?............ok i am being very unfilial..............i know............but i just feel tt i need this other person.................like the world is nothing without tt...........i dun know.........i have enough...............i will just continue to help her.............till one day i really just drop................or till she will accept me............since i still manage to be able to help her.............which now have to be more discreet...............haizzzzzzzzzzz.....................maybe this is the so call best i can get...............i tink i cant request more....................its ok.............at least its not waiting with emptiness..........if she gets her good grade and do very well in her work..............i think i am happy enough and die peacefully ba................i alr reach the stage of not fearing death..............tt is y i name myself shinigami or deathscythe or death god.............the more i wanna die.............the more difficult it is............haiz.....................we shall just let time do the toking again..................enough le...............this is not emoing session....................I AM VENTING MY COMPLAIN.............Y IS THE WORLD SO UNFAIR TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! WHO DID I OWE..........WAT DID I DOOOO WRONG??...........HAIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ................next time then